Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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