I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
