My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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