gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
