Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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