people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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