I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
