So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
