Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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