Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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