I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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