my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
