At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
