He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
