there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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