I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
