Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i think i just lost a toe
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
