Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How does it feel to date your dad?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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