If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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