I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
