I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
