happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
