I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
