We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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