Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
