Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
