doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
