i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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