Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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