Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
