Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
