I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
