threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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