Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Two words: blizzard sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
