HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
