You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
