her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
