I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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