Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will be naked everywhere
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
