Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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