His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Two words: nipple clamps
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