yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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