Your mouth is God's brothel.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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