those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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