Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
