Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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