my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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