speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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