why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
