: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
